The Hebrew Hammer

Oh wow I’ve fucked up this time. Gigantic mistakes have been made here. In fact, this is a whole new level of fucking up. What the fuck was I thinking?

These are the thoughts that went through my mind as I lay there, drenched in sweat that is not all mine on the matted floor of the gym. In the full guard position, intimately clinching my legs around the waist of a guy I barely know as he attempts to bash my face with his fists. I know, I know, that’s too kinky even for me.

This would probably be a good time to assure you that no this isn’t an overly open and frankly vulgar attempt at coming out of the closet. The event described above is unfortunately a simple, questionably heterosexual event that transpired. No really, I actually just watch Zac Efron films for the plot. Yes, I know, the gay community is going to be heartbroken.

I should start over…

The MMA Challenge. Maybe those researchers were right and video games desensitised me to violence. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe I just watched Fight Club too many times and decided that I don’t want to die without any scars. I don’t know why I did it but it’s too late for that now. On Sunday the 6th of November, that cage door is going to be closed behind me and I better be ready to rumble.

Fight or flight – sounds easy enough, right? Only flight isn’t going to be an option when they lock that door, so I guess we’re back to finding out if I’m as alpha as I pretend to be. I guess I never realised that when they say blood, sweat and tears they really mean it and that you’re the one who’s going to be readily supplying these bodily fluids..

I’ve never been in a fight. Not a heated argument with your kid brother or the time that scumbag threw a punch at you outside a club – a real fight. So that very first sparring session I so eloquently ran you through above, after the guy dismounted off of me and I stopped cursing every moment that led me to this decision and caught my breath again – I learnt that I’m not made of glass.

Yes, I was in a world of pain and that was merely the first round. Yes, there were eight more weeks of this coming my way. Yes, I was entirely under-prepared as a man for this challenge. Yet I didn’t break. I didn’t fold. I didn’t tap.

In exactly twenty-seven days and a lot of ice baths in the meantime, we’re going to find out if I have what it takes and I couldn’t be more excited about it.


‘Most guys run from fights, because they don’t want the answer to the inevitable question they whisper to themselves: Am I one of the weak, or am I one of the strong?’

Alvey Kulina, Kingdom (2014)


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